Just like men, women need their caves to retreat into when they are mentally stressed or overwelmed. Any distractions that allow us to drift away from the problem/s at hand are welcomed. TV numbs the brain and the Internet lets us live vicariously through others. During these low mental periods, an unfortunate byproduct is that we withdraw away from those closest to us. Sometimes we just reach a point where we feel unappreciated, taken for granted, unloved, unnurtured, unsexy and unspecial. This is a perception and does not necessarily reflect the truth of our lives. It is in part a form of depression that all women go through, every now and then. The most common demand on a woman from her husband/partner, is sex. He wants it and she's too stressed to want to think about it, talk about it, deal with it or do it.

When men think about sex, he wants to do it and for some reason automatically believe that she wants it right there and then too. That's a falsehood. The greatest sexual tool in a woman's arsenal is her mind. Stimulate that and the body will follow suit. If her mind is too crowded (which it always is) and is in a flux of chaos (stress) the last thing she is thinking about is sex. When a couple have been in a long term relationship, alot of the spontaneity goes out the window and we often resort to "good old sure fire" signals and techniques to get the ball rolling. If a woman is stressed out, these techniques go right out the window and she shuts down and withdraws from you.

"Tactic known is Tactic blown". (Whoever created that quote should have added the footnote "and then it gets insulting").

In fact, more often than not, huge resentment sets in if she thinks that sex is a must if you want to touch her. It's always your ulterior motive (even if it's not) that's what she's going to think. Everytime you touch her, she's going to suspect you want sex as the end result. Sex is the ultimate and intimate gift of giving that a woman can share with the man she loves.

1. Say to her "Honey I love you. I can see you have a lot on your mind and I'm not going to make any demands on you. If and when you want to talk and share what you're feeling, I'll be here and ready to listen to you. You already do so much for me and the kids. I want to be able to help you. Why don't you give me a list of some chores that I can do to help out". And then be ready and commited to doing them.

2. Know and accept that sex is off the menu.

3. Continue to hold her hand, hug her, put your arm around her, sit with her, laugh with her and tell her that you love her. But do it with the full knowledge that sex is not going to happen. That you're okay with that and not expecting it or hoping for it.

4. You may not like it (of course you don't that's perfectly normal) but it's good advice. If she is even remotely suspicious of you wanting sex. And are using your chore list to gain favour for sex. She's going to really mad, and resentful and pull away even further. Give her time to see that you are geniune in your attempts to nurture her healing and she will learn to relax and reappreciate you.

5. Take her out on date nights, have fun, enjoy each other, enjoy the evening and show her off. Let her know that you are proud to be her husband. It's going to reassure her of how much you appreciate her. And she's going to become more and more open and receptive to you. But again. Don't take her out if you are going to use it as a trade off for sex. It's going to make her even more defensive.

6. When she's ready to share her problems with you, don't try to give her a quick solution on how to fix it, instead say to her "would you mind if I give a couple of extra suggestions so you have more options to play with"? The most important thing for her is to know that her feelings are being acknowledged without judgement.

7. REMEMBER: Her not wanting sex is not about you... because it's not. It's all about her. Let her clear her mind and help ease her burdens so that she can, and she will come back to you.